Do You Know What It Means When There’s No TV?

Yesterday we brought the kids to my in-law’s lake house for the evening. I packed up everything in the car myself. Except Dan’s three giant water bottles he insisted on bringing for the next day’s hike like we’re going up Everest and not on a two-mile nature trail.

I’m not complaining – yet – about that – I like to pack everything myself, that way I can see that I have it and it actually made its way to the car. I forgot two things – kid spoons and books for bedtime. That is not bad.

Anyway. We had a lovely evening. We got there kind of late and did not end up getting out on their boat, or swimming because it started raining, but it was fine. We were hanging out, and #lakelife and all that.

I put the kids to bed (in the same room). Eva, who goes down at home without one single peep, screamed for about an hour and a half. I watched, tortuously, on the baby monitor cam, as she started sucking her thumb, nodding off, and then her brother let out a stream of giggles and up she was and they chatted back and forth for another half hour.

Speaking over the monitor, I gently asked Theo to leave his sister alone so they could both go to sleep. He started wailing. So in I went, Ninja-like on the floor in the dark past the pack-n-play, and up into the bed with Theo. I whisper asked him to leave his sister along so they could both go to sleep. Crawled out.

Eva, who is no dummy, knew I went in there and didn’t pick her up and then left and so screamed for another four hundred hours. I attempted to read my book. Was awoken in the middle of the night by Theo falling out of the bed, screaming, which caused Eva to scream.

I got up at 5:30am and did a brief yoga sesh by the lake. Read my book. Enjoyed the quiet. Was so proud of myself for being such a super mom the day before, getting everything in the car, making a last-minute tuna-mac-egg salad for dinner – I hadn’t even drank that night! Handled last night’s screaming with grace and calm. Go me.


Motivated to have an awesome hike, I got up with the children, fed Eva, and made the entire house breakfast sandwiches a la Chrissy Teigen’s cookbook. While Dan was in the bathroom for 20 minutes I packed up the car with all the shit except for Dan’s damn water bottles, which he forgot, except it turns out he actually didn’t because they were in the car the whole time just buried under the other mounds of kid crap.

So we get to the trailhead. It’s close to 9am. Ideally we should have been there at more like 7:30am, particularly since Eva tends to nap at just about 9am. This I can’t really blame on anyone, even though I could have been ready to leave by about 6:30am.

Yes, Dan slept in a bit, but I let him, wanted him to, and in fact had never discussed with him a time to get going in the morning. It was just understood that we would do so as soon as we could. And yes, it was Dan’s idea that I should make the breakfast sandwiches, but I heartily agreed because I like making people food and having them eat and like the food.

So that was what it was and we had napped Eva a little late before. Dan straps her into the hiking backpack kid carrying contraption and Theo starts asking us if he can ride on one of our shoulders. Then starts crying. And whining. And dragging his feet.

I started to get bitchy. Everything I do for these people and they can’t give me a hike. It’s outdoors! In the summer! On a trail that is rated as kid-friendly!

Theo had hiked before, but you know how children are, the darlings. More frustrated with me for being bitchy than anything else I’m sure Dan told me I could go on ahead. I had dreams of making it the entire two miles and then turning around meeting them where they were and heading back. This was very short-lived. The hike was a bit longer than I thought, as it turned out.

I could have researched it more. I could have insisted on leaving earlier. Lots of mistakes were made be me as well as Theo being a giant pain in the ass, is what I’m saying. Really even Dan didn’t do anything wrong in this one.

So I sit on a rock for a few minutes, and then get up and meet with them. Because we haven’t wasted quite just enough time yet Theo told me he had to pee, so I took him way off the trail to do so, and then stood there for five minutes while no urine came out.

Walking ahead of the three of them – God bless you Dan for taking the reins at this time and have I mentioned none of this was your fault today – I snuck a few more minutes alone, walking along, tears streaming down my face for the sadness that was me not being able to take a walk in the woods. #Privilege

When. Two young ladies hiked by. One of them said, “I dated him when he was in Italy. He would do shrooms and then go on long hikes.” The other said, “Really? So he would be tripping in the woods?” and she said, “Yes! I really want to do that! Except I don’t want trees to talk to me.”

Mood: lifted.

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