When Silence Has so Much to Say

I think one of the worst feelings is being ignored. Or, when you’re talking and someone cuts you off because they don’t want you to speak anymore. It makes me want to start yelling, and sometimes I do. I’m here and my words matter.

I’ve mentioned how much better my marriage has been the past few months, but a few times recently Dan has basically told me to stop talking and it sucks.

If he read this, he would say that he can’t say how he feels or criticize me at all because then I cry and make him the bad guy and that also sucks.

Actually, tangent – I have rarely cried lately. It wasn’t that long ago I cried on a daily basis. It was one week ago today that I got really drunk and wrote the last post in this blog where I said I wouldn’t drink the next day (I didn’t).

After I wrote and went to bed I laid there and cried and thought about how very long it had been since I last cried and how stupid it was I was crying then, for no reason.

No Clever Subtitle Here – I Am in Potty Training Hell

I think Dan and I are on edge because of potty training with Theo. It’s all consuming and shitty (literally and figuratively) and I feel like I can’t talk about it with other people. I promised myself I would never post about it on social media, and I haven’t. People don’t want to hear about it, I’m assuming.

Here’s the thing. If he just didn’t get it, or was slow, I could deal with that. But he’s been going fine at daycare for *a year and a half.*

He gets it. He knows. He knows exactly what he’s doing and he chooses not to do it at home over and over and over again. We bribed him. We talked to him. And now we’re taking away toys. He has lost all of his cars, and now Marcus, his beloved doll/stuffed animal that he carries everywhere.

Tonight I got into Theo’s crib with him (more on the crib in a moment) to chat with him while we were both calm and Dan wasn’t hovering over me telling me not to ask Theo questions or whatever the fuck his problem is when I’m trying to connect with my own son.

I tried to ask him why it’s hard for him to go at home, but not at daycare. “Because the poop and pee come out.” Yes, yes, but they don’t just come out over there.

He started babbling in that toddler way, something about buses and kids and trucks. He seemed surprisingly okay with not sleeping with Marcus. It reminds me of someone who told me recently time outs don’t work on their kid because they just take the time out and then go back to whatever it was.

It’s almost like Theo doesn’t want to use the potty at home so much that he’s willing to give up Marcus and his cars, dozens and dozens of Matchbox and Hot Wheels cars, gone. But that’s fine, cause no potty!

I know it’s phase. I know I won’t have to home school him when he gets to kindergarten because he’ll be potty trained by then and will be allowed to go to school. I’m pretty confident about this.

I’m torn about the crib situation. I didn’t want to let Owen have a bed – and we have a toddler bed ready to go – until he was potty trained. Because big boys don’t use diapers, and only big boys get to sleep in a bed.

But I want the crib for Eva now. She needs to get out of the bassinet. I could put her in a pack and play of course, but that seems so silly.

Maybe it’s like a chicken and the egg thing, where if I give him the big boy bed he’ll start acting like a big boy. I don’t know.

Sleep training, I’m queen. Potty training, a peasant.

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