Moms & Babies – and the Dads Who are Out Getting High

I had a threesome with the guy I lost my virginity to. Not until years later, though.

We dated when I was fourteen and fifteen. I think what I liked about him was that he asked me out. I had absolutely no self esteem and would take what I could get. 

He had what my parents would call “potential,” but was doomed from the start from growing up in the family he did. Think the Averys from Making a Murderer.

It was planned. It was meticulously planned. We could never do it at my house with my parents. So we waited until a day when his parents and his multitude of siblings would be out of their house, and even then, we did it in the basement just in case someone came home.

High School Pregnancy

I read the condom box directions. It said to wash your hands before and after sex, and that is exactly what we did. Very romantic. One hand washing session probably took as long as the actual act, which took place on a Power Rangers blanket on top of a cold cellar floor.

We broke up about six months later and then he got the girl he dated after me pregnant. They moved into her parents’ basement and I went away to college. I’d undoubtedly dodged a bullet. 

Bonding Over Weed

I saw him a couple of times in the years following the breakup. One time he was my cashier at McDonalds. Another time we saw each other at a concert. We established an unspoken agreement that we did not hate each other.

And then one day, when I was home from college, I saw him walking down a busy road. This was not unusual because he did not have a car and would often walk great distances. I had recently discovered smoking pot and I knew that he too enjoyed weed and this was my motivation for pulling over and asking him if he needed a ride. And that was the start of our bizarre friendship.

When we dated, I had been totally against smoking pot, which is of course amusing to think about today. But now, we could smoke together. And we did, many, many times. And did ecstasy once. Coke once or twice. I think we snorted some kind of painkiller at one point. 

You and Me and Her

I don’t really remember the first time I went to hang out with him and saw the mother of his two children. It was of course shocking they were even still together. She must have been wary of me, an ex girlfriend coming around. 

But somehow, over the course of two to three years, the three of us eased into a close friendship. I babysat their kids. We ate dinner together. Anytime I was home from college they were the first people I called.

I went through a bit of a rough time for about a year – had a boyfriend cheat on me, was hospitalized for a serious illness, and I suffered from what I now believe was a form of seasonal depression (I would literally start to get depressed as soon as the sun went down). But I knew those two were always there.

The Thruple

Even though I didn’t think of it in these terms at the time, it was almost like we were in a three-person relationship. I had the perks of a boyfriend – stability, support, friendship – with none of the hassle, and the freedom to do whatever I wanted.

Although she and I were friends, it was he and I who were together most of the time. We’d be out smoking weed with or without other people. That time we did ecstasy we made out. But when he told her about it, she wasn’t surprised and didn’t seem to care that much. And maybe that’s how we ended up having a threesome. 

Hos Before Bros

Actually, that wasn’t it. Their sex life had gotten boring, they tried introducing toys, and then they decided to bring in another person, and they asked me. At least, that’s the story I was told. I think it’s more likely he brought it up, she agreed in a joking kind of manner, and then to her surprise he ran with it.

Afterwards she and I chatted about it. I can’t recall much of what we said and I wish I could. But I remember it being positive and respectful. And they stayed together,  for awhile.

When they eventually got married via a quickie Justice of the Peace wedding at a courthouse I was one of the witnesses who signed the marriage certificate.

The Betrayal?

Then, not long before she got pregnant with their third, the three of us were at a bar together, which was extremely unusual as she was home with the kids 99.9% of the time. She also rarely drank. He’d stepped outside to smoke a cigarette.

A guy started chatting with us, and asked for her phone number. She didn’t give it to him, and then told me not to tell her husband. 2019 me wouldn’t have, but 2007 me thought it would be a good idea.

I’d finally stopped turning a blind eye to how crappy he treated her. He wasn’t a bad guy. He really wasn’t. But again, think of the Avery family. He might not have been a maliciously terrible person, but he was absolutely not husband material, and was going nowhere in life.

My thought was, if he knew about the asking of the phone number then he’d wake up. Like hey, this is a great girl you have, other guys are noticing this and might appreciate her and treat her better than you do, so shape up!

Being Old & Mature Now

It did not work out that way. Both of them were so angry with me they basically stopped speaking to me for a year. Then we slowly drifted out of each others lives. I’ve seen them once or twice since. And now they’re separated and maybe even divorced. Their oldest is close to college age now, although I seriously doubt there’s a 529 plan.

But what motivates me to write about this now is the fact that I look back on this and when I think of the two of them the first thing that comes to mind is how much crap she put up with from him – not the threesome, or the drug-fueled adventures. 

Now that I’m a mom and a wife I can see how much she dealt with and I am disgusted with myself that I thought she was a party pooper. I can’t believe I didn’t stop to think about her at home alone with the kids. Why didn’t I ever make more of an effort to help out? 

Yes, I babysat sometimes, but not that often. What I should have done was hung out with her without him. Gotten to know her, how she was feeling, what she needed. Find out what it was like to have kids so early in life, how it felt to give up your teen years and your 20s. What she was looking for out of life now. 

But I was young and I didn’t have kids and I just wanted to get high. Now I have children and still want to get high, but the perspective and priorities are much, much different.

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