A Day in the Life

Morning, Part One: Nighttime

A day in the life of me on maternity leave with a newborn sort of starts at night, since that time frame so seamlessly melts into day. These days.

I was “on duty” with the baby last night. She and I slept from 10pm to 2am. Woke up for feeding and changing. I read a bit. Went back to sleep around 3am.

My daughter sleeps soundly for that first shift, but for the second she tends to be noisy – grunts, snorts, and she tosses and turns. I moved her bassinet into the hallway where I’d still be able to hear her cry, which I’d never done before but it was helpful. I was able to go back to sleep.

(Dan and I are sleeping in separate rooms for the Newborn Phase, so the person who is “off duty” gets to actually sleep. So he was unaware of all this and probably wouldn’t love my putting our daughter out in the hall.)

Morning, Part Two: Not Quite Dead

She woke up and started crying at 6:30am. My son – who you may remember was waking up at 5am for awhile – was quiet until I went in to get him at 7am.

I don’t know what gods are smiling on us that Theo has been letting us sleep in now, when he never did before, but thank you. I will sacrifice a beer for you.

I fed Eva, the cat, and Theo, in that order because she is the loudest and Theo was still in bed during those first two feedings. Drank coffee. Read a bit. Showered. Changed Eva after she spit up on her clothes not once, but twice.

Drove Theo to daycare. Took Eva and her car seat out of the car just to walk Theo to the door, because if I don’t, I will be on the news tomorrow.

Returned home. Usually this is when I’m dead from not sleeping the night before and I nap when the baby does. But not today, because I’d gotten a lot of sleep the night before last, when I was off duty and Dan got up with the kids the next day.

Not needing to nap I smoked, because why not. I yet again marveled at Dan’s legal weed paraphernalia and treats. What the fuck is a cannabis flower. I feel so out of the loop.

Morning, Part Three: I Might Do Something Productive Soon

Cup of coffee number two. Made a list of things to do today. Watched Mom and 13 Reasons Why (shut up, I read the book). Held the baby a lot. Had coffee number three. Ate food.

As the clock inched towards noon I started to think about actually starting the day. While Eva napped in the baby swing (something I used to worry about with baby number one) I started laundry, cleaning, and to-do list things like going through recent medical bills and scheduling a vet appointment for the cat.

Eva woke up but seemed content in the swing. I didn’t know if I should start something new, like yoga, or if she would start crying at any moment, and oh my goodness she is asleep yet again.

Afternoon, Part One: Second Smoking Session & Dance Party

I went down to the basement to smoke but saw Dan had put away the stuff since I smoked that morning, before he left for work. Instead of getting it all out again I took a few hits from a joint roach like the classy broad I am.

Came back upstairs, changed the baby for a third time after she spit up. Fifteen minutes later, she spit up again, but not on herself, on me. So I changed.

This was also around the time I peed myself, which happens once in awhile because of the whole having had two babies thing. I’m still feeling side effects from the D&C procedure as well.

At some point I ate lunch and also fed and held the baby as needed. Then I put on some music with the intention of cleaning but ended up just dancing with Eva for awhile.

I mean, dancing with the newborn really ticks off two boxes, unlike cleaning, which only checks off one: baby bonding and exercise.

I did of course manage to dance my way into the kitchen for coffee number four.

Afternoon, Part Two: Husband Coming Home Soon, Actually Have to Do Stuff

I’d been meaning to go to the grocery store all day, primarily to pick up diapers, but also a few miscellaneous food items, and also beer, because I was going to the store anyway, right?

So that happened, with Eva in the baby wrap. My contact lens started bothering me and I blinked profusely while getting carded for beer and then almost left my purse in the grocery cart outside.

Came home, squeezed in an 18-minute yoga sesh. Finished the majority of the cleaning I’d wanted to do, like vacuuming. Started dinner. Had one beer while making dinner while Eva cried, because she needed to be held and I only have two hands.

Husband came home from work and picking up Theo, and had taken him to the store, and bought him toy cars. Again. I mean, we do only have about 800 of them.

Evening, Part One: Just Get the Toddler to Bed

Evenings are primarily broken up into Before Theo Goes to Bed and After Theo Goes to Bed. Before Theo went we ate dinner and I folded laundry. Theo actually ate some of his food so he got a cookie.

Then, bath time. Dan and I trade off bath time like we trade off everything else and tonight was his night. I started a second load of laundry and a second beer. And smoked.

I do bedtime. We read Room on the Broom. Little incident getting him to bed because I am a complete nut about bedtime routines.

Evening Part Two: Off Duty Until On Again

I’m on duty overnight with Eva again tonight, which means that I get alone time from about 7:15pm to 10pm, when I go back on duty. When Dan does overnight, it’s the other way around. Except Sundays, I let him have both alone time and I do the overnight.

So now, I am doing things like working on my writing, catching up on any shows I want to watch, folding the second load of laundry, and contemplating a third beer. And fourth smoking session.

Other than the whole bodily fluids thing this is not a bad gig.

I do not miss being pregnant and lonely, spending my evenings reading and crying while Dan smoked weed and played video games.

I do miss work, but it’s significantly less enjoyable and productive when you’re pregnant and your caffeine intake is limited and your ability to drink your way through employee events is nonexistent and your emotions are such that you frequently cry silently at your desk.

Until tomorrow! Which is sort of tonight.

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