Goodbye, Old Friend
It’s officially day one of quitting smoking for pregnancy purposes.
Last night, my friend Mary spent the night for work related reasons. I don’t see her that often. Dan was/is out of town on business and Theo was spending the night at the daycare person/sitter’s (a random blessing). So we had a little girls night with soaps and a blunt. I couldn’t even finish it with her I was so stoned.
It was nice to go out on a high note, haha. When I first met Mary a bunch of us would go over to her place to smoke on a regular basis and she used to tell me I was the only person who’d think to refill the ice cube tray after we used ice in the bong.
Please Stop Hitting Me
Today went well until I had to pick up the kid. Work was normal. I’m not inundated with projects at the moment. Then I go to pick Theo up.
I hadn’t seen him in over 24 hours and he didn’t even look at me. He didn’t want to leave, as usual, but I got him to take my hand and walk outside. Picking him up would have been unacceptable.
I do, however, need to pick him up to get him in the car. He started wailing on me immediately. Whacking me in the head and slapping me across the face, repeatedly. I stayed calm, barely, but it was very, very hard.
Slapping me across the face a specific form of hitting is tough for me to take. It feels like the ultimate disrespect. It reminds me of an old fashioned movie or soap opera or something when a woman is betrayed by her man and she slaps him. I’m the equivalent of a cheater.
I’d like to use this sober time to work on my novel. I wrote the first draft of my novel in three months over five years ago, and it’s been off and on editing since then. I’m not being a perfectionist. It’s just not ready. And after so much time went by it actually became outdated and I needed to update it if only for that purpose.
But for some reason, even though I believe in the story, and I feel an urge to finish it even if no one reads it and it doesn’t get published, I avoid diving into it. To some degree I’m sick of it, and yet, I know I must finish because I just can’t let it go.
I’m trying not to be too hard on myself. I do yoga every day. I avoid killing my kid. I’d like to think I’m a good employee, hopefully a great employee, even. I quit drinking and eating deli meat and all the things you’re supposed to not do when you get pregnant – except cleaning the litter box I still do that once in awhile because Dan doesn’t do it as often as he should and sometimes he’s out of town like now – and now, I’m quitting weed.
I’m developing good habits and trying to be a good person and mom and wife and All of the Things, and I just can’t add novelist onto that this second. But I will. I have to, because now I’m writing about it here and must hold myself accountable.